Como un Fragmento que Cae…

The Arcane
Dead Can Dance
Cover by Trail of Tears

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Here in the garden of the arcane delights
Dark shadows overwhelm us and and we become blind
Blind to the needs of those who would be free
From the breath of fear and the prisons of the mind
Amidst the throes of perplexity
Freedom moves amongst us, in her hand is held the seed
Extermination angels stood beside the road
In violent retribution for the seeds that we have sown.

Estoy sola como nunca lo he estado. Me revuelvo en cama, me eluden las oscuridades sin sueños que siempre se añoran en las mañanas.

No puedo hablar con vos porque todo lo que digo te afecta; no puedo hablar con vos porque no puedo permitir que tengás una visión más clara de mi locura y mi perversión; no puedo hablar con vos porque sos mi madre, y debo evitarte el horror; no puedo hablar con vos porque sos mi padre, y quiero evitarme el horror; no puedo hablar con vos porque ya mucho te he dicho sobre mis problemas de crisis existencial y abandonos amorosos y miedos de niña, y siemple y sencillamente no estaría bien repetir las mismas cosas aunque me sienta tan horriblemente mal por ellas; no puedo hablar con vos, porque, simple y sencillamente, me abandonaste y tus palabras no son para mí.

Supongo que podría volver a aquellos tiempos cuando no era tan débil y no lloraba tanto, y podía hacerme confidencias a mí misma y mantenerlas también, sin decirlas a aquellos que estaban a mi alrededor.

Nunca la frase “nos vemos mañana” había estado más acertada. Porque ciertamente nos veremos, en esas miradillas furtivas que tratamos de esconder, pero no hablaremos, ni habrá algún signo de camaradería entre nosotros,por hipócrita que sea, ni estarán nuestros espíritus en un solo acorde. Ya debería irme haciendo a la idea de estos encuentros, después de todo, al menos un mes ha pasado.

The beautiful Dresden Dolls.

sure, sure, sure, she is like a fucking clock, i can program my whole damn life around her calls, i know what time it is everytime the phone rings….so tired, tired, tired of enduring this endless torture, this blah blah,this disgrace with which i have to keep up in order to put a smile on her face…oh, the little bitch, doesn’t she know that i am so much better without her? that i’d just love to spend my time without her? i love her but she hates me, or maybe i am just confusing terms….

JUST TO THINK THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME. WILL YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO LET ME UNFOLD MY FUCKING MADNESS? ISN’T IT SO FUCKING CUTE? I THINK I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE “VIRTUE” THAT THEY ALL CALL “VERBOSITY”. REALLY? DO YOU THINK SO? YOU’RE ALL SO DROLL, THIS FUCKING ADJECTIVE DERIVED FROM THE DAMN FRENCH WORD. FRENCH? WORD? PLEASE, LET US ALL BE DRENCHED IN THE MAGNIFICENT CADENCE OF VOICES FAR MORE OTHERWORLDLY THAN MY CURRENT, PATHETIC, HUMAN-LIKE ANIMIC STATE. IT COULD BE BETTER; KEEP IT IN MIND. I COULD ASK YOU ALL TO LEAVE, DON’T YOU THINK? I COULD TRY LESS TO ENTERTAIN YOUR HAREBRAINED ENTITIES, DON’T YOU THINK?THIS IS ME UNFOLDING; DIDN’T YOU WANT THIS, HUH? HERE, LET ME GRANT YOUR WISH AS I SQUISH YOUR SMALL AND ALIVE HEAD! ISN’T IT WONDERFUL? YOU CAN ALL SHARE MY VERSION OF DANTE ALIGHIERI’S INFERNO, YOU CAN ALL SEE ME GNAW AT YOUR CHESTS, YOU CAN ALL SEE MY MOUTH COLORED CRIMSON AND MY BODY SOAKING BLOOD, YOU WILL ALL GET YOUR TIME’S WORTH WHEN MY INSANITY COMES OVERFLOWING, COMES WITH STRENGTH DOWN AND UPON YOU, WHEN YOU WILL BE SWEPT LIFELESS FOR THE CAUSE OF IT! HEY! THERE IS SOME MOTHERFUCKING HOPE IN THIS WORLD, DON’T YOU THINK? THERE IS AN EXISTENCE (not me, I clarify) CAPABLE OF TEARING THE LIMBS OF THIS RIDICULOUS GAME WE ALL CHOSE TO PLAY EVERYT DAMN DAY OF THIS LENGTH OF TIME WE SO MUCH PLEASE OURSELVES IN CALLING LIFE! HA HAHA HAHAHA! TODAY I DISCOVERED THAT MY STATE IS THAT ONE OF AN ORGANISM PERMANENTLY AFFECTED BY DRUGS! DAMN YOU, ANAÏS NIN, WITH YOUR DRUGS INSIDE OF YOU! LET’S ALL GIVE A HURRAY FOR EVERY WOMAN WITH A PERMANENT NEED FOR SEXUAL EXPLORATION AND GRATIFICATION AND PAROXYSMS OF PLEASURE! DO i SPEAK TOO “crudely” FOR YOUR MAJESTIES? BLAH!

Yesterday I had a very strange and preternatural dream. I was in a house, with no one in it but me. I commenced to tear the house down, without a reason why. It was a beautiful house, wondrous. I still ignore the motive why did I charge so terribly against the house, being that nothing had happened to me there and the place was very much to my delight. Once my task was done, I rested thrown in the ruins of it, satisfied with my deeds, wanting ‘naught more than something more to tear apart.

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